The Power of "Will"
“Yes, you will.”
These are the words on my front door that accompany me every time I leave home. I’ve been asked before why I chose “will” as opposed to “can.” Because for me “will” reinforces a certainty as opposed to “can” which suggests a possibility. That reasoning was always good enough for me but as I’ve been studying a new language lately it’s given me occasion to think about the more precise meanings of those words.
Okay, this is about to go #GrammarGeek on you but bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this…
The root of the verb “can” is “to be able.” That you can–are able–to do something does not guarantee that you will. This is also the reason why you want to punch those annoying people in the throat who stare blankly at your, “Can I?”, until you ask, “May I?”
“Will” is an auxiliary verb that informs us of a future tense of the verb it accompanies. In the case of “Yes, you will,” “will” accompanies an implied “to do” as in, “Yes, you will (do it).” Of course, in English, there is another meaning for “will” which could be used as a polite request but we won’t get into that right now.
Alright, so what’s up with the boring grammar lesson? It’s this…language exists for us to express our meaning and intent. Words have power and I placed these words on my door so that each time I leave home I am placed in a mindful state for my intentions for the day. It is precisely this mindful state and confidence of certainty that have allowed me to have amazing experiences conventional wisdom would have said were improbable.
Carefully selecting my words in different scenarios has shaped dramatically different outcomes for me. You’ve encountered this before in your personal or professional life…you are talking with a particularly difficult person who can’t seem to open their mind to the possibility of things. These are the people who are the first to tell you why something can’t work, why you shouldn’t do something, or what restrictions and boundaries prevent something from happening. Your discussion gets bogged down in the “can’ts” and never find their way to solutions. Sound familiar?
More than likely, those conversations involved phrases like “can we” or “could we” or maybe even “should we.” You might have asked, “Could you get those reports to me by 9 a.m.?” Nope. I’ve got too much to do. I’ve got other things taking priority. Instead, what if you asked, “What would it take to get those reports first thing in the morning?” If I finish this other report you asked for first. If I skipped that useless status meeting this afternoon. Great. This report is more important than the other one so put that one on hold. I can cover for you in that meeting. Thanks. I will get it to you first thing. It’s the use of the phrase “what would” (or “how would”) that automatically suggests to the person you’re speaking to that there is a solution, so now let’s figure it out together.
Consider this the next time you need to ask for a day off or a raise. For most businesses these days, “Can I have a raise?” invites explanations of why you can’t. We’re not doing so well. The economy is tough. Sales are down. I just had to let people go and you’re asking for a raise? Instead, if you were to ask your boss, “What would I need to do to get a raise?” or “What would it take for me to get a raise?” it opens up the discussion for solutions. If we improve our numbers this quarter. If you close that deal. If we find a way to reduce margins. It might not be easy but it’s better than “no,” right? You can take actions on “ifs” but the “nots” will stop you dead in your tracks.
In addition to using the word “will” in place of “can” for yourself, try seeing what effect it has as you interact with others. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how differently it plays out. That’s “will” power.
Okay, I have to admit, that last bit was a bit forced (and super cheesy). But give me a break, I just dropped some knowledge on you. They can’t all be gems (nor will they).
January 13, 2014 @ 06:15
Serge,
I think your idea for giving books is wonderful!!
I found your site while looking for real help and motivation to lose weight. Everything in my life seems to be going wrong and I have lost control of it all…except my weight and so I have just gained more than ever. I have epilepsy which started in 2004 and I have not been able to drive since 2005. Right after that happened, I started to have migraine associated vertigo…. Dizzy spells and horrible headaches. I already had degenerative disk disease and now it is so bad that standing longer then 5 min. Is awful. I am 275 lbs. which is my biggest weight and I can’t be considered for back surgery until I lose a lot of weight. Even then it could be very problematic as I have a blood disorder which makes surgery a huge problem (antiphospholipid syndrome). If I didn’t have APS, I would have had bariatric surgery a long time ago!!! And of course back surgery!!
All of these medical problems came from pregnancy which changed my body somehow… We lost our first daughter, but we were so blessed that our second daughter lived. She was 2 and 1/2 months premature and she and I nearly died because of her delivery where I had a rare form of preeclampsia called HELLP SYndrome. She was 1 lb 12 oz and was in the hospital for 10’weeks. Now she is nearly 18 !!! And will be entering college in the fall!!!
My husband just had a job change and he will be traveling for 7-10 days at a time. I cannot drive and my daughter will only be learning to drive in the spring when the weather is better. My husband has always been the caretaker as my health has gotten worse. I have gotten more depressed and have been pulling away from him and he hasn’t even left yet. He and my daughter were at the theatre today and I was home alone with our 4 cats (I have no friends since college). You said something in one of your reply comments…
“And those who take photos of their meals do that much better than those who log their meals in a journal. Not only does it help you stay on track–you’re less likely to eat a whole bag of M&Ms if you know you’re going to have to snap a pic of it–but it also helps you make adjustments as you go along.”
I felt like this was meant for me because while they were gone I did eat a 1/2 of a large bag of peanut M&Ms!!!
I just am all alone and now it feels like I will truly be that way when my husband is traveling. I just don’t want to eat myself into this depression I am feeling. I know I will feel better physically if not mentally if I lose weight…. I just have to do it…
January 13, 2014 @ 18:30
Deb, firstly, you “WILL” be able to do this! It will not be easy and you will have stumbles. Keep picking yourself up and trying again. There is no such thing as a lost cause, as you probably read from my 100-lbs article. Before you get into anything else, please have an honest discussion with first your husband, then your daughter. They are your allies and supporters in this journey. I can empathize with your concern of pulling away from your husband–and if we are really being honest–I am sensing a concern that distance could turn for the worse especially as he begins to travel. Please speak to him. Let him know how much you want to get healthy for yourself, for him, and for your daughter. Let him know that just knowing that he is there for you, rooting for you, will give you the strength to keep fighting for what you want. Let him know how important he is to you and share with him your fears of how the distance will make it that much harder. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen relationships drift because pride kept the couple from speaking honestly with each other. Be honest with him about your motivations, what you need from him, and what he means to you.
As with anything, your mindfulness sets the tone for success. Before you dive into the actual program itself spend some time on your mental game. If you have someone you trust, your parents, a dear friend, or your spouse, then speak with them. If you have the opportunity and the means, please seek a professional. Screw the stigma associated with it. It is not weakness to ask for help. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It takes tremendous strength to admit you need help and to seek it. Don’t let pride keep you from getting the support you need. These folks will be your cheering section for success.
You have a lot of obstacles in your path. It will make your journey more difficult. Take them a piece at a time to help keep yourself from being overwhelmed. Of everything you mentioned, weight is the first thing you do have control over. Losing the weight will be the best thing you can do for your back. Then it will lead to options for you to address the other medical conditions. Through it all, celebrate good decisions. Don’t fixate on your weight. If you make it about the weight, then you will struggle when that weight isn’t disappearing (which could also be because you are building lean muscle and that’s a good thing). But if you make your journey about making good decisions, then you will always have something to celebrate. Each meal can be a celebration. Each good decision can be a celebration. And if you make a poor decision, well then, you will have another one to do better not long after. You can lose weight while making poor decisions (and be right back where you started), but you WILL ALWAYS lose weight if you make good decisions. Please be sure to come back and share your progress.